Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants