Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
✌️
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.