Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too