USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”