USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!