USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
absolutely not
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.