Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
handsome & gretel