“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
cyclists
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Sign of the day..
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
it’s the silliest best thing
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh