Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.