Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You Might Also Like
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!