[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.