Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
reviewed some movies recently
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Florida man