Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?