Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.