Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
This was my dad’s browser history.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?