USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I am also baked goods
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good