Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.