Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.