It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Something Saturday.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room