If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.