the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks