@2tonbug

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@2tonbug

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table