@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@3sunzzz

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

@3sunzzz

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

@3sunzzz

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

@3sunzzz

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

@3sunzzz

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

@3sunzzz

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.