My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.