Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo