I feel attacked.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Merry Christmas
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.