Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok