@Adam14

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@Adam14

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

@Adam14

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

@Adam14

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok