Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Good point.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
my fav colour is also hitler
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.