@Adyaces

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

@Adyaces

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@Adyaces

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@Adyaces

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

@Adyaces

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.