@AimeeHelene1

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

@AimeeHelene1

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@AimeeHelene1

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

@AimeeHelene1

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

@AimeeHelene1

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

@AimeeHelene1

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.