@AimeeHelene1 I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
@AimeeHelene1 @AimeeHelene1 *builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
@AimeeHelene1 That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
@AimeeHelene1 Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
@AimeeHelene1 I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
@AimeeHelene1 You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
@AimeeHelene1 *holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
@AimeeHelene1 When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
@AimeeHelene1 At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
@AimeeHelene1 I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.