me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Every. Damn. Time.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.