Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.