@AmishPornStar1 Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
@AmishPornStar1 @AmishPornStar1 “Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
@AmishPornStar1 Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
@AmishPornStar1 Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@AmishPornStar1 Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@AmishPornStar1 Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
@AmishPornStar1 Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
@AmishPornStar1 Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
@AmishPornStar1 Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
@AmishPornStar1 Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.