@AmishPornStar1

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

@AmishPornStar1

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

@AmishPornStar1

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@AmishPornStar1

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

@AmishPornStar1

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.