@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@AmishPornStar1

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@AmishPornStar1

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.