“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.