@AndrewChamings

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@AndrewChamings

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@AndrewChamings

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*