(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
angel: you ok pal?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*