Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.