Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.
*repeat daily in various scenarios*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
6: So I can bite it.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing