@AnnietheNanny1

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

@AnnietheNanny1

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

@AnnietheNanny1

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

@AnnietheNanny1

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

@AnnietheNanny1

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.