Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”