Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You Might Also Like
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The biggest mystery of our time
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!