Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.