@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@BGH70

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

@BGH70

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@BGH70

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

@BGH70

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@BGH70

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

@BGH70

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.