@BabyFishMouth5

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

@BabyFishMouth5

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

@BabyFishMouth5

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.