@BacklineNurse there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
@BacklineNurse 
@BacklineNurse When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
@BacklineNurse *sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
@BacklineNurse saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
@BacklineNurse the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
@BacklineNurse The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
@BacklineNurse [inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
@BacklineNurse DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
@BacklineNurse [job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
@BacklineNurse I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns