@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.