Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.