Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.