@BlondAmbitionTO

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

@BlondAmbitionTO

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@BlondAmbitionTO

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.