@BlondAmbitionTO I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
@BlondAmbitionTO @BlondAmbitionTO Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
@BlondAmbitionTO All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
@BlondAmbitionTO “Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
@BlondAmbitionTO When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
@BlondAmbitionTO I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
@BlondAmbitionTO Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
@BlondAmbitionTO I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
@BlondAmbitionTO When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
@BlondAmbitionTO I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”