
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”