@BobTheSuit

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

@BobTheSuit

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

@BobTheSuit

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@BobTheSuit

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

@BobTheSuit

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

@BobTheSuit

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@BobTheSuit

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.