@Bob_Heller

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@Bob_Heller

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.