@Bob_Janke

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

@Bob_Janke

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

@Bob_Janke

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

@Bob_Janke

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

@Bob_Janke

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@Bob_Janke

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB