
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB