@Bob_Janke

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

@Bob_Janke

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

@Bob_Janke

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

@Bob_Janke

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

@Bob_Janke

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

@Bob_Janke

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

@Bob_Janke

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@Bob_Janke

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.