I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.