Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I need a headline like this
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy