Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.